This is a common question that I get and also been thinking about as I was listening to Ariana Grande's new album! So I thought I would give you some insights based on a NYC Asian American therapist that work wtih dating and relationships. Although there is not one answer to cheating, but these are some of the reasons but everybody is different.
1) Repetition Compulsion - In psychology, we tend to repeat an action or behavior over and over again to master it and we cannot stop doing it. It is often unconscious and we are not aware it. Also, its a pattern that was caused by a traumatic experience. This sounds fancier than it needs to be, so let's break it down. For example, when a little boy been bouncing an egg instead of a rubber ball and felt shame by it, he was never able to master it, as he grows up, he tries to bounce the egg over and over again, maybe a different type of egg shape ball in hopes one day he will master it. I just made that up. Repetition Compulsion can be applied to cheating too. If a child had parents that cheated (infidelity) and left the marriage for another person. That child may want to repeat that with another partner to understand or want to be with a married person (emotionally unavailable) person, to master winning the father or mother's attention that they never gotten. Its case by case, but this is just an example.
2) Narcissism and Cheating - Although not all Narcissist cheat in their relationship, sometimes people cheat because they can and want to feel sense of importance or to know they are special, wanted by others and validation.
3) Boredom - People are bored in their relationship or marriage and seeking thrill and excitement. There is a lack of passion and aliveness. Some people chase new shiny things. Something may be missing in the relationship and cannot be fullfilled, or emptiness.
4) Dated Too Little and Too Early Without Understanding Their Sexual Identity - People may have met their first love and true love and never had any sexual or dating experiences and did not have the chance to explore. This may also happen if you are closeted and born in a conservative small town and couldn't explore your sexual identity (bisexuality, gay, lesbian) and you are already married.
5) Wanting to break up or end a relationship - Sometimes people are in a relationship that they want out but do not have the courage to tell their partner so cheating is a way to end things, to have "easier" reason to breakup vs. having to tell the truth.
6) Sexual Addiction - Your partner may be addicted to sex.
7) Trauma and Low Self Esteem - People cheat sometimes because of trauma, and shame (Shame is often connected witih trauma, feeling very bad, and small) they feel like they don't deserve love or anybody good in ther life because there's the shame of "not being enough" or eventually their partner will find out they cannot provide the love they deserve and reject them, so its easier to cheat on them first and push them away rather than getting rejected or broken up with because deep inside they are so wounded and feel so ashamed that they are "defective".
If you were cheated on or a serial cheater that want to understand and get some support. Please contact me! You do not have to do it alone.
relationship counseling can help. Contact me and let’s chat.
