I've gone through taking care of a family member who went through cancer, went to a caregiver support group, and also worked with clients who went through cancer treatments. I wanted to share what I learned not to say here.
1) Do not say "You are so brave", often your intentions are good but most people who are going through cancer would say "I don't want to be brave, I had no choice." It's not really about being brave, they have no choice, it's either treatment or no treatment, and both are hard roads to take.
2) "You need to talk to someone, you are depressed", depending on what stage, whether it is just a diagnosis, and going through chemo or radiation or surgery, sometimes, it's not time to talk to someone, you are focusing on surviving and "going through" it, its a fight or flight response, so it's hard to talk when you are going through it. Also, it's not uncommon to feel depression or anxiety when you are in a remission because you finally have the realization that you are either slowly dying or you have gone through so much grief.
3) Cancer is a traumatic experience for the patient, caregiver, and the family. It is also a lot of grief, there's a sense of what's taken away, the normalcy, and control of life, body, and time. Sometimes as simple as just losing hair and the hair growing back is not as thick or full anymore, that is a form of grief, or just scars in the body to remind you what happened.
4) Stop asking for updates, cancer is extremely tiring for the patient, and their immediate family members/caregivers. It's a million never-ending appointments, follow-ups, and phone calls. It's exhausting to talk on the phone or even respond to a text. If you are one of the lucky few in the circle of friends that get updates and phone calls, consider yourself lucky, because most people only have the energy to have a small circle of support.
5) Language and Social Media/Movies depict Cancer very inaccurately and often very triggering for people going through Cancer to watch. People use words like "battling cancer" and "surviving cancer" like you are going to war, but most of the time as a caregiver, you and your sick family member are just in waiting rooms, seeing doctors, doing a bunch of scans and tests. It's very boring, and requires a lot of patience, bringing a book helps. Sometimes, cancer is prolonged, just because a friend or family is diagnosed with terminal cancer, it does not mean they will die soon, it may be years and decades, but movies and TV series do not portray that well.
6) Do not say "You are overreacting" after remission when your family member who has gone through Cancer wants to see a doctor over little things because that's normal to have anxiety, once you have been diagnosed with cancer, your friend and family feel like they are knocking on death's door, they have to make sure it is not cancer, so its okay, let them go to the doctors.
If you or your loved one is going through cancer and want an Asian American therapist in NYC or New Jersey who could not only understand but relate because I've gone through it with my loved one, please get in touch with me to book a free 15-minute consultation.
