It’s Asian American Pacific Island Month, so I thought I would write a post about how important mental health is for Asian Americans and Chinese Immigrants. I just want to say, I am very proud to be Chinese! I just came back from a hot pot in Flushing! I am also proud to be a therapist that serves Asian Americans. One quote that touched me from Instagram the good doctor was "When you touch one life you don't just touch one life, you touch every life that that life touches.”

Before I went into private practice, I worked with many older adults, including retired Chinese immigrants. I had the fortune of playing bingo with them, karaoke with them, eating lunch with them, doing therapy with them, their trauma, and hearing stories about their grandchildren, sons, and daughters.

Asian Americans, Child of Immigrants, I saw your parents as their therapists, and here's what I learned

1. You may never hear “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” but your parents are. You are their pride and joy, and often my clients talk about their child 80% of their therapy sessions. They worry about their adult child and do not want to be a burden so they dance and sing every day to stay healthy. When I ask if their child ever knows how they feel, they say no we don’t talk about that but I show them through actions and food.
2. Your parents enjoy and go to therapy too! They also attend frequently and consistently. They make wonderful clients. They have amazing stories about war, famine, dating, sex, and career before immigrating to the US. They also love groups, and any type of group therapy as well.
3. Older Chinese Adults are quite lonely and vulnerable and susceptible to anxiety and depression. When I was doing assessments, a lot of the older adults scored high in anxiety, depression, hoarding, and sometimes even sexual/domestic violence from spouses. When I asked why they didn’t leave their partner, one person told me “It’s so my son and daughters can have their heads held up high with pride” Divorce is a big taboo in the Asian community and sometimes your mother and father stay married so you don’t have to live with shame. I know it’s counterintuitive and heartbreaking to hear.
4. A lot of them lived through the trauma of WWII, the Vietnam War, Communism, and the Cultural Revolution and it has broken my heart many times hearing the sob stories. In one particular story, a man hid under his basement for five years to avoid being enlisted in the Vietnam War and never saw the sunlight. Another story was about a woman who was sent to work on a farm instead of college and was only able to see her parents three times a year. She was abused, starved and tortured, and only allowed to farm. When she came back to her family, she was not able to find jobs and felt resentful of her siblings who got better opportunities in life. I also heard another story of a man who was Jewish and was bullied and discriminated against so badly growing up in Russia, that he changed his last time and left his whole family to start over again. His family were intellectuals, so they were all locked up and electrocuted. Also, parents who survived multiple cancers, and grief of spouse.
5. This one may not be surprising! Your parents also had emotionally unavailable and neglectful parents. Intergenerational trauma is a big buzzword, but your parents did not have parents who were great role models to show them how to love or how to deal with emotions.
6. Being a women sucked in China. Your mom struggled with discrimination and societal pressures to get married and give birth to a son and not a daughter. She was treated unfairly and her brother got money to go to college while she helped out in the kitchen. Also, mother-in-laws can be mean and judgemental. Older Adults always told me not to live with their mothers-in-law, with such stern warnings on their faces.
7. Your mom and dad love their interracial grandchildren. I hear so many stories that they rather their son and daughter marry the same culture but they are so proud and love their mixed grandbabies so so much. They carry their photos everywhere, and any racial remarks will attack other seniors.

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It truly feels like I’ve come a full circle like in The Lion King, and now I work with mostly Asian Americans who struggle with their relationships with their parents, while I spent years working with your parents.

If you felt triggered, seen, or touched by this post, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.  I am a quirky NYC Asian American therapist who has a crazy good memory and loves helping Asians explore and bring out their inner quirky side.  If you want to hop on a quick chat to find out more about how I can help you explore your Asian American Identity and heal parental wounds, please contact me.