In Sarah Jane Ho’s book, she advised to seek out divorced men for single woman looking to date and marry. Now that I work with a lot of clients going through divorce and dating again, I do think a lot of single women overlook divorced men as potential suitors. However, there are some pros to dating divorced men.
- Some divorced men have gone through therapy for couples counseling and also grief counseling. Divorce is a traumatic event that can make you jaded or help you overcome trauma and grow stronger and better. I think a lot of clients and friends I’ve met who have gone through a divorce are realistic and know what it takes to make the relationship and marriage work the second time.
- People who have gone through divorce know what they don’t want and what does not work for them as a partner. The trauma and grief of losing their marriage would either keep a person stuck in time or get very clear what they want and what it takes for a marriage to work when they do remarry.
- If they gone through good therapy, they are emotionally aware, mature and intelligent. Many clients in good therapy spent a lot of time processing and reflecting on why the previous marriage didn't work and learn from it.
Of course, there are cons to dating divorced men.
- If they have children from the last marriage, as you are not their priority sometimes. Or if there is a lot of drama from the ex-wife and still deeply attached from previous partner. These are considerations and things to rule out.
- You should make sure he is not emotionally attached to his ex.
- Divorced papers have not been signed yet. Sometimes, for health insurance reasons or investment/properties, they are still legally married or living together.
- He hasn’t processed the trauma of the loss of the marriage, court procedings, and child custody. He never went to therapy. Is he able to talk about the marriage and the divorce fondly and not just be bitter and angry? Does he have insight on what happened that made the marriage not work?
- Was he abused by his wife? Some divorced men were physically and emotionally abused and haven’t processed it in therapy.
- Is he ready to date again? Some guys date shortly after their divorce. Sometimes it’s to help move on and sometimes for other reasons (loneliness, co-dependency, curiousity, rebound, revenge, etc).
In conclusion, divorce rates in America are very high, and most of the time it’s the women that initiates divorce most of the time. More and more men and women have gone through divorce and remarried in their lifetime; therefore, don’t discriminate against a man who is divorced. You are leaving money on the table and decreasing your chances of finding the right person.
I think single women should reconsider dating or giving divorced men a chance, but also realistically knowing there are pros and cons as with anything in life. If you are dating a divorced man or feel the need to have a space to process your divorce or to date again after divorce, please book a free 15-minute phone consultation with me!
