After a few group sessions later, I am finally able to reflect on what happened. I was able to tell the group how scared I was to show my "Asianness" but I talked about it in the context of who I am, growing up Chinese, and the struggles I had faced. All the group members were very open and warm to me. It created a closer connection that allowed further safety. In AEDP work, more risk (being vulnerable) creates more safety. One group member shared that they can relate to growing up poor and we bonded over roaches in our homes. Another group member shared that she knew what it was like to be an outsider and being in high school was one of the painest times because she couldn't be herself (she was in the closet, she liked girls). Other group members cried with me.
I had a chance to jump in the middle of the Pacific Ocean in the Kanoeke sandbar but I did not know how to swim. I was terrified of drowning. I had the trust that I wouldn't drown even though the water was shallow. As I got out of the boat, I couldn't touch the ground. I relied solely on my husband, a water floaty vest, and rope. Other people told me, the water gets more shallow as I kept floating towards the floating deck. Eventually, with the support of rope, husband, the people on the boat, and my life jacket vest, my feet were able to touch the sand on the ground and head above the water. I stopped being afraid, and I was able to marvel at the beauty of the sun rays glistening on the emerald green waters.
In a lot of ways, the water represents the unconscious and our emotions. Sometimes we are afraid of feeling anxiety, grief, anger, and shame, and worry that it might drown the shit out of us. My group therapist is kind of like a life vest, showing me how to float until I can stand on my own two feet without drowning. My group members were the rope that was cheering me on to keep going. I shared with the group this metaphor of jumping in the middle of the Pacific Ocean in my last group therapy session. The group members said I evolved and saw me bringing in all parts of me, especially my Asian parts, versus in the first session, they saw me as a powerful, carefree member.
Being a White Group (this is a very psychodynamic psychoanalytic therapy type of process group by the way) with so many kind and loving members was extremely powerful and healing. It taught me that feeling safe to be Chinese is a possibility with the right type of people. Also being fully who I am as an integrated individual is a possibility in America. I feel less disconnected but one with nature and people through group and also my trip to Hawaii to the Kaneohe Sandbar. I feel more integrated, to show up fully who I am, and more confident Asian American Therapist.
Group therapy is something so powerful and healing that I hope everyone who reads this gets to try it at least once in their lifetime. That's why I am excited to announce I am starting a divorce support group in the Fall. I hope to be the life vest in your darkest times so you can get back on your feet. Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation to see if you are a good fit for divorce counseling, relationship counseling or a divorce support group.
