Stay tune for Part II, going to write a follow up about my experiences in group as this is unfiltered, unprocess feelings.
I started joining an interprocess group therapy on Tuesday nights after a long day of seeing clients, my usual time I arrive home is 9 pm. As my husband prepared me my hello fresh meal of bahmi tacos. I was sitting down and excited to talk and process my group experience. I told him, I was gone for two weeks and came back, and it felt weird, the group therapist asked why I felt weird, and then said the group was ending in three sessions and two new members may be joining. I felt triggered, was I the asshole, should I express how I felt? I stupidly said "I don't care and I had nothing to say' and that two new members would be nice. Feedback group consensus was, you were "cold". (Context is shortened to protect confidentiality, just the gist of it)
As I bit into my taco and the oil was dripping, I didn't know why I was feeling triggered and uncomfortable and the answer was staring right in my face. As I felt deeper, there was fear, and I did not know why but I did. I think the group therapist knew why as well as the answer was staring again, straight in my face. The answer was "How do I show up being Chinese and belonging to an all-white group while feeling safe?" I understood why I said weird, because during the two weeks that I was gone, the group was all white, the metaphor or analogy (I picked this metaphor because I was staring at my cat and I love cats and dogs but I have more of a cat personality but want like dogs because you can take them everywhere) Being Chinese in a white group was like I was the cat and it was the group of dogs, and they barked and I meowed but I learned to bark and be a dog, but I'm an imposter while I spoke meow and bark and can act like a dog, I look like a cat. Because dogs in the group see I'm a cat, but I'm barking. How do I show up as a cat in a dog world and feel safe for being different? Did the group miss me? or did they have fun barky bark without the meow meow kitty while kitty was gone for two weeks? that's why I felt weird, how did I belong in a dog's world if I was a cat? A cat can only act and go so far as a dog.
As I reflect, there was a longing for more people of color to join the group by the third-month mark but I was too scared to say y'all were too white for me and making white people uncomfortable with me being Asian. Would that make me racist against white people in a therapy group, would that get me canceled? I couldn't voice it, as I was terrified. Now looking at my white, Jewish husband and my white cat, I understand that I was very American and have individualistic values, I own a pet and I am interracial, and I have a very white job as a psychotherapist, so I worked hard to assimilate and be a success in America, so I could fit in, fit in so well that I'm in a white therapy group, and white husband and white cat. However, I am also very Cantonese Chinese, I don't wear shoes inside, and on weekends and weekdays, I go to Flushing to eat Cheurng fun and drink bubble tea and get my hot pot lunch special for 19.99.
During the COVID era, Asian Hate Crime spiked, it wasn't safe for me to be Chinese and in NYC. Now with the re-election anxiety, I can't help but also feel that if Trump is elected, it's not safe for non-white people like me in America. The core fear was "It's not safe being me, I must hide to survive" From an early age, I was bullied by other Chinese students who spoke English for not speaking English. When I was a teenager, I finally wore my first pair of jeans from Gap. When I had a nosebleed, my mother stuck a piece of bakchoy into my nose to stop the blood, I went to school with a piece of bakchoy in my nosehole and my friend J who is Chinese American said, you have a piece of bakchoy in your nosehole in third grade.
Anyway, I digress, but the point is, there is learned trauma and shame to blend in and "assimilate" or "mask" the Asianness so I can succeed in America and also get a job and make momma proud and also "survive" because being Asian is not safe in America, you get bullied as a kid and made fun of for being different, and a higher chance of getting punched and spit in the face during the pandemic if you look Chinese and wear a mask. So early on, I learned to be Chinese at home and be White or American at school.
But then something happened as I was explaining this to my husband and staring at my cat who doesn't care. I compared it to his experience of "masking" his autism so he didn't get bullied, And he said "Wow, that's deep" We, although White and Asian, were not so different. It was that moment that sparked empathy in me. We got so good at hiding parts of ourselves that are different to feel safe in this world. For my husband, during 10/7, he hid that he was Jewish to hide from anti-semitism, and he "masked" his autism so well, that he could fit in and be accepted as non-autistic as he was bullied so badly as a little kid. He got so good at "masking" so he could feel safe and fit in. I, on the other hand, hid my Asianness so I could fit in and belong. It was survival not thriving, it was painful. We both agree, that this is exhausting to not be fully ourselves but the price to pay to feel safe is we forget how to unmask or stop hiding who we are. I got so good at hiding and being Americanized that I forgot how to show up in a predominately white therapy group and feel safe to be Asian. So the question is, how do I show up Asian and feel safe, feel belonging, and feel accepted at the same time?
The group didn't want new members, and banned new members, and it hurt me, and I didn't know why until it reminded/triggered me into thinking about immigration, and the "newness" of members and "familiarity", I related to the group to mirror the real world, or I say "in the wild", that is how Americans treat immigrants, not welcomed and unfamiliar to them.
This is all hard to talk about being I'm the "Asian", I'm the Cat, Could the dogs understand the kitty's meow-language?
but racism is a double edge sword because just because you don't talk about it, it's like a thousand papercut, it stares straight in your face, no matter how good you are at hiding, you can't hide from trauma and shame of being different, it creeps into your body and soul, leaving you fearful, confused and left with no words or vocabulary to explain how you feel what you feel of the pain, or what Cathy Park Hong calls Minor Feelings.
I asked my husband if I could talk about this in my blog, and he consented and got the "okay" from my group therapist to post this.
If you feel shame growing up or assimilated so well to the white american culture to the point where you struggle with your Asian identity, I am here and I understand as an Asian American therapist here in NYC to help you process and heal. If you want to hop on a quick chat to find out more about how I can help you explore your Asian American Identity, please contact me.
