Wow! it’s been a while; I’ve been swamped editing my grammar for my 30-page case study presentation paper for psychoanalysis so I can finally graduate. I want to say Happy Belated Valentine’s Day, or I used to call it Singles Awareness Day! I remember today is the day I love celebrating and buying myself discounted flowers and chocolates.
I made a post about anxious attachment 5 posts ago, and I am writing about avoidant attachment in dating. If you need to know what you are, here is a free quiz. http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
Avoidant attachment people would avoid and procrastinate conflicts and tensions until they don't have a choice but to look at it. Sometimes you can have both, but you are more anxious or more avoidant in your attachment styles, and you may also change into a more secure attachment as you see a therapist that is very secure, good, and consistent or in a relationship with a romantic partner that is consistent, reliable and trustworthy.
If your caregivers are very depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed and cannot deal with emotions or handle your emotions, you may learn to go to your room and cry. Over time, you will not rely on others and will learn to suppress or shut down your emotions or "figure it out by yourself.” You will attract clingy or anxious partners in your life, and it will trigger you because you are forced to look at uncomfortable and highly stressful emotions that you are actively avoiding, haha.
Here are some tips to help you out:
1) The first thing is to set boundaries and know where to draw a line in relationships. It’s important to express yourself that you need space or alone time to recharge or are overwhelmed when triggered. Communicating that to your partner or person you are dating gives them less anxiety and helps them understand what you need. If the person you are dating is extremely anxious, they would want to address it or fix it right away, and expressing your needs to have specific space (time or physical space) will give them enough structure and help the other tolerate and regulate their anxiety. So don’t wait or tolerate situations or things in a relationship until it gets bad. Rock the boat a little bit and check in with the other person. For example, you can say, “This is what I understand, x y and z, and we will need x y and z to make our relationship work. And then, check in. What is it like for you to hear me express my needs? Practice. Practice. Practice. 🙂
2) Learn to rely on others. This one is hard; you must ask for help and be vulnerable. So, instead of locking yourself up, be yourself until you solve your problem. This is what I want you to do instead. Ask for what you need and want. It may be emotional support, a hug, etc., but you may like running or hiding. Do the opposite and tell people in your life how you feel.
3) Figure out why you are avoidant. Sometimes, understanding is half the battle. Did you have caregivers who didn't talk about emotions or avoided conflicts as a child? You were left with untamed anger, sadness, and shame that you can only repress or suppress or figure out yourself. I want you to journal and remember when you felt disappointed and needed a friend or your caregivers.
4) Finally, I recommend going to a therapist who has attachment-focused therapy to unlearn and relearn tools and skills to communicate and understand your emotions. I am trained as an emotion, attachment-focused therapist, and I am happy to offer you a free 15-minute consultation to see how I can help you or refer you to someone who can. You do not have to do it alone. Let's figure it out together!
If you need an NYC Asian American therapist who understands you and helps you deal with healing avoidant attachment so you can get hitched, go ahead and please contact me.
