It's been 23 days since I lost power/electricity in my apartment. As a sit in my desk in my hotel after a shower to destabilize and center myself, I had a spurt of energy and creativity after my therapy session. It all began when I got a phone call in my hotel, they told me Ms. Shanni, you have to leave the hotel, your check out time is 12 pm, I check the clock it was 12:20 pm. Every molecule in my body was activated and emotions of intense stress rushes in. I have 40 minutes before my 1'oclock appointment. I went downstairs and I explained myself, this is the 100th time I told people what happened, its a fine balance of telling them its not that bad so they don't feel pity or too bad for me but also bad enough that they will be nice to me.
"I had an electrical fire" I said, and I see their eyes frown, "I'm so sorry" they will say. and then I say, "yeah thank you, luckily my insurance covered my hotel stay, but I cannot reach the adjuster"
I head back to the hotel room, and I started sobbing, and I knew I was triggered. How trauma works is that the body remembers how bad it was, I felt embarrassed and it reminded me of my childhood of living in dark apartments with no heat and no air condition. I kept saying in my therapy session to my therapist "I'm not poor" as if I'm trying to prove to myself something, "I told her, I wanted to whip out my bank account to show the front desk hotel, look! I have money, please don't kick me out!"
I knew right then and there, I was brought back to a my young self that felt shame for being poor, or being asian, not having English to vocabulary to explain myself, not having nice jeans to wear, not having heat, not having wifi, just plain "not having enough", and that shame and helplessness that comes hand in hand with it, because there was nothing I could do in the present situation or in my past situation.
My therapist said "I understand, but you are going to get power back eventually". Here's another thing with feelings of trauma, shame, and helplessness, you forget, every little bad thing that happens feels that the end of the world, you do not have anchor.
So here are some things you can do when you feel shameful of your childhood, or asian part of yourself
There's a lot of literature talking about shame, or self hating Asian parts, or self hating Jews, and Blacks, but the only literature I've read is Minor Feelings by Cathy Park Hong.
So What is shame and what is the difference between Shame and Guilt?
Shame is when you identified yourself as bad, I am bad, and while guilt, is when you do not identified and you can see, its separate, like "I feel bad" so here's an example, you made a mistake at work, and you feel bad you made mistake, that's guilt, but shame is another level, you are bad, therefore you don't deserve to be happy or good things. I think often times growing up in USA, we learn to disown or hate, internalize being Asian, and that being American or being white is good, the good part, and we must assimilate quickly, forget speaking Chinese.
1) know that you can resource yourself, and remind yourself there's resources (friends, family, or people) that can help
2) its in the past, even though it doesn't feel like it, and its not the end of the world, even though it feels like it.
3) be aware and be able to talk about it, and find activities to decenter yourself, for me, it was showering, and booking a spa day, but it could be just sitting in barnes and nobles and reading for half the day without distraction.
4) Book a session with me, I can help you explore and process your Asian identity in a safe space. I offer free 15 minutes phone consultation.
So too long to read, you have to find a Asian American therapist that understands you and is willing to learn. If you want to hop on a quick chat to find out more about me, please contact me.
