If you hear voices in your head that say you are not "good" enough and that you will never measure up, quote you say from Lauren Daigle's song, you come to the right spot! Growing up with an Asian mother, I've struggled and battled with imposter syndrome, fear, and shame of not being "good enough" and worst inner critic of not being good or that perfectionism. If it ain't perfect it ain't good! Or if it is a B+, it is failing to Asian moms!!!!

Winnicott wrote about this in his paper about the "good enough mother", a mother that is attuned to her baby and able to soothe the baby when its crying or hungry, but he realized that you do not need to be a perfect mother, just good enough, for the baby to be okay! But what happens when you have a tiger mom or a narcissistic mom who raised you misattuned or was depressed themselves to not be able to regulate the baby or deal with the negative emotions? The baby ends up feeling helplessness and regulate this emotional trauma.

This week I was battling with imposter syndrome, my psychoanalytic school that I long finished is shutting down soon and I still never submitted my case presentation. I had this deep fear of being rejected or failing that I rejected myself first by never completing the paper. Honestly, the case guidelines intimidated me so much that I thought, if I did not understand what it's asking of me then "I don't deserve to graduate". But after four years of procrastinating, and with more experience of dealing with imposter syndrome, I was able to recognize that if it wasn't clear to me, it probably not clear to other people as well.

After three long days and three long weeks, I finally finish my first draft, 30 pages of my case study! I snail mailed it and I feel so happy, I have some tips I wanted to share on how I dealt with the feeling of not good enough.

1. Asking For Help, Who can I rely on? I asked my supervisors for help and I talked about it in my own therapy what was my fear. Having the guidance and saying the fear out made it easier for me to fight those voices.
2. Watching Loudermilk Netflix show, I felt the parallel feeling as Loudermilk, the main character was trying to write his novel, and his friend suggested "putting shit aside and making new shits, and then back to old shit and remixing with news shit until it become less shitty", I really like this quote, because I felt everything I wrote was shitty, but the thought of feeling less alone and that I can use my old shit and remix the shit and re-do it until it is less shitty was reassuring to me.
3. Practice makes it less shitty. My supervisor shared her experience of teaching a course, and she said each time she did it, it was better and better. It relieved me honestly, thinking that if I just keep writing, it will get better.
4. "It doesn't have to be perfect", this quote has got me really far in my career as a freelancer, when I was building my website, doing Instagram, starting anything new, even taking singing classes, it helped me a lot to remind myself, it doesn't have to be perfect, and to not wait until it is perfect, my first website was very simple, and I kept adding and adding and now its nice!
5. Don't wait until it's perfect or good enough! I think showing up and just being consistent is 80% of winning in life, I knew my paper was shit, but just shoving that paper in a envelope with stamps and shoving it again into the mailbox is half the battle, letting the shit go, literally! 
6. Finally, when I was writing the paper, there was this feeling of "what's the point?", I was so focus on how it does not benefit me what so ever, no merits, it discouraged me so much as it was time consuming and expensive to get supervision to write this paper and schedule a time to present it and risk of being judged, but I focused on what my supervisor said which was, Shanni, this is a learning opportunity for you to grow! and as I was writing and reflecting on the case, I found myself learning and connecting as I was rewatching my video and remembering the framework and feeling refreshed! So that's say tip, think of it as a learning experience instead of performance. Learning is fun and growing is sexy not shitty!
7. Processing and healing the self hatred and shame of not measuring up or nothing is ever good enough in therapy, and in the body, this is important as it shows up in your relationships with people, your work, and honestly everywhere, what you feel internally, projects out externally in your world.

If you are struggling with voices in your head all the damn time with not feeling good enough, book a session with me, I can help you explore and deal with this in a safe space. I offer free 15 minutes phone consultation.

If you need Asian American therapist that understands you and help you deal with the crippling imposter syndrome go ahead and please contact me.