If you do not know if you have an anxious attachment or not, this is a great quiz you can take http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
Anxious attachment style is a mosaic that changes over time and from person to person. However, if you are with a disloyal partner you can change from a secure attachment to a more anxious attachment style that constantly worries about your partner abandoning you or finding out your partner is cheating on you.
Here are some ways to rewire your anxious attachment style
- Have more secure attachment-style relationships. When I say relationship, I mean friendships, romantic relationships, and acquaintances. Secure people often are consistent, reliable, and show up when you need them to. When you are around friends who are consistent, reliable, and stable, you also become more secure and safe. It builds a positive neuro network (memories) in your brain and changes your core belief that “I am deserving of love and safety” or “I matter to people”
- Avoid dating extremely avoidant/anxious attachment-style people if you can. It is okay to have a sprinkle of it and if they are working on it in relationship counseling or going to an attachment-focused therapist like me to heal. Some traits of an avoidant attachment style people are ghosting, fading, and inconsistent hot and cold feelings like in Katy Perry’s song.
- The second tip is hard so I do not want you to take it too literally, as there is an exception, please reach out to me if you are confused and not sure about a consultation because you break up with an avoidant person you are seeing because there are different levels of avoidant type and exceptions. However, I see the most common couple is the Avoidant/Anxious type, they are like oil and fire, they burn with so much passion but also the oil adds to the fire and cannot be cooled off. It’s like what a friend told me “When it’s good, it’s good, but when it’s bad, it is really bad.
- Therapy helps rewire the anxious attachment style, especially relational therapist that addresses the here and now in the session, a therapist would be a secure attachment that can heal you through the power of the relationship between therapist and client. A therapist is stable, reliable, and consistent, and offer helpful feedback of patterns and coping defenses or what I like to say "call you out on your bullshit!" of what you are doing that may be pushing people away or wanting to date you.
If you are not sure what attachment style or if your partner is avoidant and you need to bounce or get help, please reach out to me for a free 15-minute phone consultation, I am a professional NYC Upper West Side relationship counseling therapist, please feel free to contact me and I can give you my recommendations on where to start or what type of treatment is best for you.
