Dear Asian Daughters, You are NOT your Parent’s therapists.

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In Asian families often we do not have boundaries and there is a lot of enmeshment (blending into one identity that cannot separate or individuate). The enmeshment and lack of individuation sometimes mean your mother sees you as an extension of her.

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Sometimes you are parentified or even forced to take sides when your mother and father fight with each other.  

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You can say “It is not healthy for your kid to pick sides when you are arguing with my father” but if the mother does not understand, it can be a form of emotional abuse if boundaries are not respected over and over again.

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Enmeshment happens when the family is too close and there is a ton of role-flipping and reversal, where the child can play the parent, the therapist, and the counselor.

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Make sure you do not become your parent’s free therapist out of guilt and manipulation, just because your mom gave birth to you because you did not consent to being born. The triangulation is toxic and unhealthy and over time can mentally take a toll on you.

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Often adult daughters in Asian families are expected to be emotional caretakers and were primed and groomed to be in codependent relationships with their parents, boss, and lovers. You are expected to be an emotional doormat for everyone in the family without having your own needs and wants met.

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If you feel shame that you may have been emotionally manipulated and abused by your Asian parents or what I describe in this post rings so true to you.  I am a quirky NYC Asian American therapist here to help you process and heal.  If you want to hop on a quick chat to find out more about how I can help you explore your Asian American Identity and heal parental wounds, please contact me.

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This blog post is inspired by a reddit post I found.